


Dear Renjun

by acrazyworldofdreams



Series: Love Donghyuck [4]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Endings, First Kiss, First Love, M/M, Slice of Life, i'm a bit obsessed, renhyuck, renhyuck is goals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-11 06:37:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17441798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acrazyworldofdreams/pseuds/acrazyworldofdreams
Summary: Donghyuck finally admits his feelings, only to be told the worst news of his short life.





	Dear Renjun

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know if anyone is actually enjoying these? I like writing them anyway, but do let me know if you do :) hahha

I love his smile. It’s so earnest and wonderful. It makes me feel so special when I cause a smile to make its way to his lips. Mainly because he doesn’t just give them to anyone. And lately, I’ve realised he gives more of those wonderful smiles to me than anyone else, and I really hope it means what I think it means.

_“Renjun-ah”_ I whisper, pulling him to me, and tugging him close.

We’re already next to each on his sofa, but I really hate any kind of distance between us, so I pull him closer to eradicate as much of it as possible. I don’t know how he puts up with all my skinship, especially because he doesn’t let anyone else touch him. It makes me feel special, and I will always want to take full advantage of it.

_“Yes, Hyuckie”_ he answers in the playful tone I’ve come to adore, ever since I met him over a year and a half ago in singing club. I don’t think my feelings for Jaemin have disappeared completely, instead they been outshined by new feelings.

I’m scared about how much I care for Renjun, and I’m afraid he won’t love me back because liking and loving someone are so far apart. I freaked out the first time Renjun kissed me. I liked him so much I panicked and tried to run away, but Renjun didn’t let me. He didn’t try to pressure me into anything formal either.

But what I love most about him is that he never left me.

Leaning in I steal another kiss from my almond eyed boy and whisper the words I’m finally brave enough to say to him, _“Renjun-ah, I….I love you”_

Watching, I see Renjun’s eyed widen in shock, and then flick through to sadness which worries me. Though soon enough they show happiness. I feel joy spark in my heart, as I know he’s about to say what I’ve dreamt about him saying for months.

_“Donghyuck, I love you too”_

The words are more beautiful than I ever could have imagined, and suddenly everything with Jaemin feels so small in comparison to how this feels. A boy who loves me completely. Where I’m not second best, or the booby prize. A boy whose smile lights up my world, and his snarky comments make me have to clench my stomach due to the laughter it evokes. He is my world, and I’m so, so happy.

But of course, it couldn’t last.

I look at Renjun and notice tears pooling in his eyes, which snatches my breathe away. Why is he crying? Isn’t loving me a good thing? I feel old insecurities creep into the back of my mind. Renjun leans over and buries his now tear stricken face into my neck.

Renjun never has been a Cryer, so this is more than strange and disconcerting. My shoulder becomes a waterfall of his tears, and I’m left in limbo, as the dread in my stomach starts to form a pit. Something bad is coming, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

I feel caught in the headlights of a car, with no time to run to safety.

Between sobs, I finally hear the words which break me into a thousand pieces. _“Hyuck, I’m so sorry, but my family is leaving in two weeks, and I have to go with them back to China. I’m so, so sorry.”_

The room fills with silence, as Renjun’s now sobs taper off, and I sit in stunned wordlessness. Of all the things, this is something I never saw coming. My Renjun will be miles and miles away, leaving me alone. Without him.

For once, there are no tears for me, but instead a blinding anger. Questions churn around my mind.

How long has he known?

Why didn’t he tell me?

And the hardest one of all, why did he tell me he loved me, when he was just going to leave me anyway?

I’m mad at him. I don’t want to be, but I am. I wish I was more in control of feelings,but t here’s too much to handle, and I don’t want to be upset with him, not on the day I told him I love hm. It isn’t fair.

_“Donghuck, please say something anything.”_

I finally find the courage to look at my Renjun once more, as he’s pulled back from my embrace now or did, I push him away?

Opening my mouth to speak, I find nothing comes out. Instead a solitary tear runs down my left cheek. It’s so strange to be in the reverse of our usual selves, Renjun usually stoic and of few words, and I the emotional mess. Today though, I have no words, and he can’t keep his in.

_“Donghyuck please, please don’t go. I can’t…please”_

I stand up from the sofa pulling my hands from Renjun.

I can’t look at him, or be in the same room, or house. I feel suffocated and for the first time in a long time, I feel the warning signs of anxiety attack coming on. Grabbing my bag, I hear Renjun shuffling behind me, and I know he wants to say something else, but he also doesn’t want to make it worse it seems as I hear him say, _“Find Jeno, Hyuck. I’m sorry. I love you.”_

Then I’m gone.

*

The following week is the worst week of my life.

I spend the first five in bed. School is no go, and thankfully mum helps me out by calling me in sick with the flu. I guess I must look terrible enough for her to do so. Is that what a broken heart does to you? This feels nothing like the times before. I feel my soul is shattered, and I have no idea where the pieces have gone.

They’re problem on his sofa, where I left them.

I field calls from Jeno and Jaemin, but avoid all their questions. I pathetically ignore all the messages attached to the name: **Junnie <3**. I feel ridiculous knowing I’m wasting precious time, but I can’t get rid of my anger.

I don’t recognise myself.

In truth, I know I’m not really angry but I’m devastated. However being angry is an easier emotion to handle than the endless ocean of misery which comes with the idea of being apart from the person I love most in the world.

I flit between stubbornly staying in bed for the rest of my life, never seeing Renjun again and running as fast as the wind can take me to his home and begging him not to leave me.

I do nothing.

By day six, Jeno has finally had enough of my excuses and has marched over, holding me hostage. I haven’t told him the whole truth of what’s happened, and I doubt Renjun would have. He’s always been loyal like that.

_“What’s the frick is going on Hyuck. I’m not leaving until you tell me why you’re holed up in this room and Renjun looks like he’s been crying for six days straight?”_

_“Renjun’s been crying?”_

It’s stupid thing to ask. Of course he’s has.

He’s as sad as I, but I just haven’t wanted to think about the fact that he might feel as helpless and upset as I do right now. Jeno nods, and I burst into tears. It hurts so bad, and I need to tell someone.

Jeno listens like he’s always listened, with patience and kindness. He smiles when I recount the story of our I love you confessions, and looks as shocked as I, when I tell him about Renjun leaving.

I’m pulled into hug, because my uncontrolled sobbing means I can no longer speak. I’m so grateful for Jeno. I’ve missed him a lot over the past year, even though he’s always been right there. I don’t think I’ll ever not love him.

After some time, Jeno finally shares his thoughts with me, I know I need to hear his words, however they may sound.

_“Hyuckie, this hurts, yes, but I need you to consider the fact about how much it will hurt when he’s gone, and you didn’t say goodbye. If this is all the time you have left with the person you love, I think you should grab hold of it with both hands and run with it._

_Take the happiness you can get, because either way you’ll be alone after. I know which one I would choose with Jaemin. I love you Hyuckie, do this for future you, okay?”_

I can’t respond properly and simply nod into his shoulder. He’s right, I need to get over myself.

One more night to think it all over, more because I’m a coward than anything else. I hope he can forgive me for being so childish. Love does strange things to you.

*

Knock, Knock.

I tap at the door, which is as familiar to me, as my own but it’s not Renjun who opens it, rather it’s his mum. Her eyes find me, and I see her shoulders drop in relief.

_“Donghyuck, I’m so glad you came. Renjun’s been waiting for you. And I just want to tell you from myself, how much I’m going to miss you and that I’m sorry.”_

Words I didn’t expect to hear, but are heavenly to my battered heart, seep into my soul. I have mattered here. I made an impact on this family and I am cared for, no matter how far away they will be. The Huang’s will always be a part of me.

I respond softly, _“Thank you Mrs Huang, and I’m sorry for the way I reacted. I love your son a lot, and I’m going to miss him like crazy.”_ She doesn’t say anything in response, simply pulls me into another hug. I’ve had so many lately.

I knock on a different door. This time white with a gold round door knob, which I’ve turned a thousand times before. However this feels like the most important one of all.

_“Come in_ ”, sounds the muffled response from within the room. Renjun sounds so sad, and I feel bad because I have put him in this place. I push open the door with tears welling in my eyes, coming face to face with the boy I love, and will lose.

It hurts.

Renjun gasps in surprise, jumping out of bed in his dishevelled pyjamas. He doesn’t say anything. Instead he rushes over to me and buries into my chest, joining me in my tears.

We sink to his bedroom floor in a puddle of own making. I feel like I’ve come home.

Hours later, we’re intertwined on Renjun’s bed, reminiscing about every moment we’ve shared, from the duet we sang together in club to the pudding cups Renjun would buy everyday for me, and claim he wasn’t hungry before passing them over to the first time. We lose ourselves in each other’s eyes. We’ve packed a lifetime of memories into the few short years we’ve shared together, and I’m grateful.

All we do is kiss, cuddle, and nap bundled together. It’s perfect, and I seal it away into my memory vault for retrieving on the days which are too sad to handle.

*

The remaining five days are filled with laughter and love, ticking off the imaginary bucket list we created that first day. A list of all the things we’d ever wanted to do together. Renjun’s mum is kind enough to drive us to the places we can’t get to.

I think she was as sad as us.

The final day though, Renjun and I spend alone. It’s the kind of day you only get because it’s going to end. A day where there is nowhere else to be, no other commitments. It’s purely a day where you tell the person you love all the ways you love them in each action, word or look you give them.

I probably should have written a letter, but I was too in the moment. Loving, adoring and remembering the boy I loved the most.

*

I can’t go the airport. So instead Jeno, Jaemin and I are snuggle on my bed, watching re-runs of Brooklyn 99. Jaemin runs his hand though my hair, and Jeno cuddles my side. I feel safe, but empty.

Empty without my Junnie, because I don’t know how I’m ever going to fill the chasm he’s left in his wake.

**Author's Note:**

> If you can't tell, I'm renhyuck all the way!


End file.
